It has been strange this week.

I often comment on how people shy away from reality and how crappy life and the world they live in truly is to live in their delusional viewpoints, optimistic nonsense that is little more than wishful thinking, that things are better than they really are. I do this, while seeing things as they are, bleak, and while I do see more of true reality than others see, I, too, mislead myself. I, too, have irrational, absurd delusions of which I often am not aware. I liked to pretend that, somehow, I was a bit special, that I could do some things well, and that I had talents whose presence made up for all the flaws and less than satisfactory abilities in me. I’m nothing special, nothing extraordinary. In fact, I’m sub-average, below average. I have come to find out that, where once I thought myself brilliant, I am merely a troubled, useless individual who cannot accomplish anything well.


Where did I see this brilliance? How did I see it? Is there anything even remotely similar to it within this swirling sphere of chaos that is my brain, where it feels as though it is being raked upon its top with hammer claws? It never existed at all. Perhaps I was just arrogant at what I thought was a job well done, or perhaps I am narcissistic. All the same, I suppose, if I were a narcissist, I would not have arrived at the conclusion that I am simply an incompetent loser that overestimated his or her own intelligence and cannot learn anything, a perfectionist that cannot meet lower standards. It would not have registered, so perhaps just a little… haughty… delusional. I have just been pretending, so I would not have to face the reality that I will never be anything more than a very small, very insignificant man. There is less value in life today than there was yesterday. Heh. Onward to the beginning of a brand new day of absolutely nothing.

If I have any readers at all, make an example out of me, learn from me, and how I turned out, and if you have even a modicum of talent in SOMETHING, no matter what that something is, pursue it. Make the most of what you have and of what you learn, because it is so precious.